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HH 216: Old Jewish Man Goes to Carnival Edition

Jack over at the shack has the latest Jewish blogging roundup from the past week, ready to go for you.

He’s celebrating a 40th birthday and in fine form already kvetching like an 80 year old lol. Clearly Jack has mastered the art of the Jewish old man at the tender age of 40! Even kabbalah experts don’t attain this sort of wisdom normally during their entire lifetimes! Expect both his testes to dry up into little raisins any decade now..

Until then here’s to wishing the young gun a happy birthday! Let’s all hope he eats plenty of bran & tasty fibre and keeps his colon clean.. otherwise he may have a dirty colon, I don’t know what that might entail, but it sounds bad..

Detoxed: I came home to find the planet, and my cat still alive

No, I wasn’t in any form of rehab as is popular these days, my detoxification alludes to a week without internet..

And oh what a joyful week it has been. My brother hastily threw together a visit from Cali to spend some time with me here in Israel. It has been almost a year since we were last together so we opted to forgo sleep and cram as much face time in as humanely possible.. This was an excellent strategy for the 1st few days. Now however I look like I went 10 rounds with George Foreman.

Somewhere along the way we floated in the rapidly evaporating Dead Sea, spent shabbat at the Wall, ventured deep into Arab Jerusalem under the guise of tourists, criss crossed Tel Aviv endlessly (along with the rest of the tiny country), and generally spent enough money to bailout a substantial portion of the US financial system. Aside from the occasional tell tale beeps of radio Kol Israel delivering 2 minute bursts of news while in the car, I was almost totally decoupled from the planet - there simply was no time.

It’s Alive!

Thankfully, my cat who I had visited only with once in between all the action for a brief 5 minute interlude, is alive and well.. Aside of course from the occasional cat puke pile he left me from gorging in his overflowing food bowls. Apparently he had a little fiesta of his own while I was gone, enjoying the all you can eat ‘mechanically separated canned meat parts’ buffet I left him.

Aside from cat puke, I return to an American federal election tonight and the likely dread of an Obama victory. That’s enough right there to make me want to rip the broadband lan cable right out of the router and stay ‘dark’ for a while longer truthfully. That’s not going to happen, but the likelihood of me being inebriated and maybe doing a little pukey pukey myself by the time 7 Eastern poll closings roll along is currently possible, with a lean to high on the color coded threat meter..

Looks like I wasn’t the only guy doing ‘carnival’

Despite my AWOL status, Esser Agoroth kindly included me in this week’s Haveil Havalim carnival - One of the largest I’ve ever seen and the theme is fittingly elections, nice job there Yaqov! So aside from the fact that I am a week behind in work, have aged a year, and a socialist pali loving mystery man is about to be President of the United States.. I feel great!! : )

Where is Superman? Surely Obama will save us all..

We need a hero!

Fiscal crisis, wars, mad Mullah Iranians on the verge of nuclear weapons, the crapola is really hitting the fan. You just know that terrorists are cooking something up too, they can’t resist the carnage.

Funny thing is, the messianic figure so full of promise and hotair? I’m not quite seeing just yet, how he would improve anything anywhere on any of these fronts. We are so close to his second coming too, where is he? Surely now is miracle time no? Ample opportunity to show us his ‘Right Stuff’, heck maybe just exhibit a few leadership qualities if anything for the Americans to rally around.

Surely this is the time for the hope & change mantra!? Where’s all the chanting, where are those radical sheik yet oh so faux, Che styled Obama posters? Where are the code pink wackos when you need em? Now more than ever, it would seem that a rousing chorus of kumbaya and holding hands while we gently sway to the tone of Obama’s teleprompted voice, would make all these issues just go away wouldn’t it?

Don’t worry, these are the illegal ‘overseas’ donations he’s spending

Where’s the debonair inspirer now exactly, is he applying any of the cool billion he has raised for his campaign to paying down some national debt, saving a few homes by paying off weak mortgages maybe, perhaps taking a chink out of the bailout? It is your money after all, well 20% of the declared parts at least.. No, he’s doing better – He’s buying up a full block of network prime time TV time on all the networks at once, to address America like Stalin with a full 30 minute propaganda show, awesome!! Just like Mao, only better because everyone today has a TV and no will will be forced to read anything!

The Deliverer

This is better than a speech to the Reichland with 200,000 screaming Germans at the Hitler monument in my eyes, this is going to be internationally televised Obama Mania on the grandest scale of all. Oh, the joy.. and who doesn’t think the last bastion of sanity left for the infomercial market to conquer shouldn’t be the The White House eh? Lovely. 

We are all baited with international breath, is he going to heal the American nation? Cure cancer? Turn sub-prime mortgages to gold and feed the nation with 7 life giving Taco Bel Gorditas!?! Unlikely. Sooooo where is Superman? He’s looking rather mortal, one might say even inadequate after all I guess, but don’t you worry – he’ll look good on TV and you can take that to the local bank!*

* Provided of course there are any left once he assumes office, if not send me your money and I will watch over it for you, you won’t need it any how.. Didn’t you hear? Everything is going to be free in America, free health care, free housing, free childcare, free Gas, free clean energy, open borders, even the free exchange of rogue nuclear weapons is possible! Yes You Can!

Its going to be awesome, I can’t wait..
I’m already buying canned food, not for his address per say, but for the post ’4 year game’ show.

Sweeet! – New Year / Shana Tova

Shana Tova from the Hashmonean to one & all
Let’s look forward to nothing but honey this year!

In the mean time, all the best this year – Until then I need to go pump out a quick load of laundry before the holiday kicks in, lest I spend the bulk of the new year without underpants..

Beer Break: Links & Mexican Pilsner

Ummm.. Beer.

Ummm.. Beer.

Enjoyable things on a Thursday evening in Tel Aviv include Florentine, the sheik cool spot to hang in what looks like war torn South TA where I live, or surfing. Seeing as I am surfing, that’s not a very good reason to avoid the whole beer part.

That’s why I was pretty excited to pick up a few cans of Tecate imported Mexican brew this afternoon..

There’s a little fiesta in every can..

Tecate is most popular in Baja & Socal, but I’ve enjoyed it beforehand on trips farther south into Mexico too. It’s a great pilsner. Sol made by the same brewery is quite a bit more well known & popular, but it doesn’t come in cool tallboy aluminum cans like this, irresistible really. Oddly enough this treat cost me the same amount of shekels as an equivalently sized Israeli beer, making me one happy surfer tonight : )

Here are some links to chase the late summer heat
(It’s still hitting 30 centigrade here, yeeha!)

Shimon Peres’ speech to the UN (Elder)
Reuters Hearts Neturei Karta (LGF)
Washington Post Had The Real J-Street Pegged Back In April (Daled Amos)
Bogus Poll Intended to Boost Obama (PJM)
Country first *UPDATED* (Bookworm)
Dirty politics from Camp Obama (Phillips)
20 questions we would ask McCain and Obama (FP Blog)

Of course, I read these already which means mostly I’ll be drinking beer ; )