My Passover clean up plan will require Iranian cooperation

Multilateral Engagement planned for my Passover clean up 

After reading how there has been progress in the Security Council towards isolating Iran over its rogue Nuclear Weapons and clean Nuclear Energy plans, I’m realizing time may be running out for my passover clean up plan..

I want Nukes too

Will this guy help me clean my condo!?If Iran can do it, so can I is the logic I’m going with. My plan? To detonate a low yield nuclear device in the living room, and my hope is the resulting blast and radiation would easily handle the kitchen which adjoins the living room, as well as at least one bathroom, making them spic and span clean! I initially set out to the Internet to see what might be involved in effectuating this safely. It turns out that there’s plenty of theory knowledge available to construct such a device which is great.

One of the downsides I’ve gleaned from the research is that many in the building I live in might apparently be killed from the clean up blast. While I’m certainly sorry to inconvenience anyone, that’s ok, as it means the elevators will probably arrive faster from lack of use which I’m figuring is positive. Again, the logic is pretty clear to me, if Iran can do it, so can I.

Jewish Law on irradiating hametz!?

Now I’m not an expert on Jewish Halacha, or religious laws.. But I’m almost certain nuclear burn is sufficient to clean any hametz or bread product in the region that makes up my living space. Another downside though is I first have to remove all my electronics and store them at a friends place because the EM pulse from the blast will likely damage my DVD viewing abilities..

Also, I may have to stay away for a few days to let the radiation clear, but seeing as I routinely spend the bulk of my first two days or so of passover with my parents and family this works out great! In order to obtain such a device even if it is of particular low yield I’m thinking I may have to travel to Pakistan or Iran, this is a bit of a hassle truthfully. I may be able to get into Iran, but flying back with the nuclear device will surely prove difficult. I’m figuring fly back to Russia first, then catch a connection home from there (we all know smuggling nuclear devices out of Russia is easy as pie right!?)

If all else fails, buy from the French!

Either way I’m running out of time, there might be sanctions coming. If there are, this might entail involving France in my plans to get around this, which will be difficult because I dislike the French. Ok the more I’m thinking about this, the hassle just may not be worth it, now I have to go to Home Depot and buy a new cloth top for my plastic mop. Geez.. the Iranians make this look so easy!

Side Notes:
My father informs me of the great news, this Passover will be especially good! Last Passover was problematic because 8 days of Matza (that’s unleavened bread for the un-initiated) felt like at least 12, due to the less than stellar Matza brand being consumed. My father & I like "Aviv" Matza, but last year we couldn’t get our hands on any for some reason.

My resourceful dad who clearly lord bless him prepares for all contingencies has informed me that he’s gotten a nice bulk pack of Avivs this year, with the possibility of aquiring more and that is exciting news! My duodenum is already rejoicing from the mortar I’ll be making. I often sit on the can during passover constipated to no end wondering when it is exactly that I’ll be able to "let my people go!" so to speak.

Side notes 2: You know you are disturbed when you can tell different brands of matza (which resembles cardboard) merely by taste alone.. this is an art form I do not suggest you try if you haven’t been subjected to 400 odd years of bondage.

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  • I found this post in searching for Passover cleaning tips.
    Thanks for the “Levity!” :0)