My 24 hour personal Jihad

Let the spanish onions out there know, this means war.

I’m a clean kid, I like hygiene. That’s why this personal battle I’m waging today is so near to me, it’s as if Allah himself commanded me to eradicate all spanish onions.

It started last night.

I had a feeling for greek salad. So I checked my stores and found a fresh spanish onion, a red pepper, a firm tomato, plenty of olives. These are solid ingredients for a traditional salad of the greek sort, and frankly this was the vegetable count on hand. Now I had no feta cheese, but that’s ok. I was in possession of a secret weapon, Kraft greek salad dressing, which I gather contains chemically reproduced bits of something supposed to resemble feta cheese in a tofu cancerous sorta way. We’re golden!

Now the salad was all right, or so I thought. Onions are evil, we know they are. Unless cleansed by the fires of a good range top or the very least a capable Wok, this is one critter you want in general to stay away from. I know this, but I was clearly suffering, straying from the path. So I learned this morning.. painfully.

I smell the onion.. do you smell the onion?

I woke up and smelt onion. Ok, makes sense.. I ate some raw onion, I’m sweating this baby out.. It’s like chemical warfare, I needed detox.

I took my normal shower, scrubbing with soap as usual which is a good idea onion or not. I scoped, I brushed, etc etc (I’m really a handsome devil but that’s for another post.) I still smelt onion. I blew my nose, I washed my goatee / beard (I told you I have a hygiene thing), I figured maybe this sucker is hanging on to a hair follicle, an oniony martyr of sorts.. no dice. Back into the shower, lather rinse and etc.

Two showers in, clearly much of the evil was eradicated, but there’s a hint of abdul onion still chasing after me today like the crazy jihadi vegetable we all know he is.. I’m contemplating filling the tub with tomato juice and taking a dip, either that or sitting my ass down in a wok.

Possible Onion Hudna?

There will be no more spanish onions for me.. Maybe once the Onions recognize me as a clean state, my right to exist smelling like Irish spring and coolwater, maybe then we can initiate dialog, mediate the crisis..

But until then, The Jihad is on!
I’m returning to my Zionist kitchen roots, onions for cooking purposes only. This stuff is deadlier than garlic. Until I’m confident I smell 150% like regular humans again I’m appealing to the US Homeland Security to please keep me locked up at Gitmo, or hose me down with freezing cold water or something..

The rest of that onion will see no “virgins” or other forms of olive oil, it’s stir fry for you my friend.

  • Neil

    You may not have to go to the extreme of declaring an onion hudna… Try soaking the raw onion in water for one hour prior to consumption. Change the water several times for maximum effect. I too have been known to get an urge for a greek salad and raw onion is still a necessary evil. Though, truth be told, I consider it blasphemous to use Kraft dressing as a substitute for feta cheese… Such crimes against Fetah could get you beheaded in my kitchen.

  • LOL – kudos Neil.. I forgot not to offend the ‘Fetah Party’, they are almost as bad as the Al-Onion Martyrs Brigades.. I wouldn’t want to be the next ‘Ironed Chef’ video on Al Jazeera that’s for sure.

    These were desperate dressing times, I will try soaking the little infidels in freezing water as suggested by Amnesty International first :)

  • Tara

    Bet your breath smelled great! You should have gone camping, bet the smell would’ve kept the bugs away. Funny post :)